Odd statement

From an article in today’s NY Times:

“I don’t cast my ballot based on learned behavior.”

I’ve been trying to come up with a rational explanation for this sentence, and so far this is the best I can do:

Mr. Eddings (the speaker) is part of a new breed of voter – literally. Thanks to the wonders of modern biotechnology, he has been designed since before birth to enter into a dramatic frenzy of hole-punching and button-pushing whenever shown his programmed party affiliation. These changes are revolutionizing the once-stuffy polling places of a generation ago; already voters are reporting the normal calm and poise of the booths as being replaced with a zoo-like atmosphere, punctuated by the hoots and howls of the major parties and accented by the spectacular plumage displays of the occasional Green Party member.

Party leaders are hopeful that these new technologies will help ensure high voter turnout in an age of increasing apathy. Reports of more extensive engineering — Democrats programmed to form protest marches and Republicans programmed to eat Democrats — have so far been fervently denied by both sides.

Other parties may soon enter the fray, as well. When asked about a rumored “Project Oompa-Loompa,” Ross Perot of the Reform Party answered “You can’t make hay and cut bait at the same time!” Analysts are still trying to determine whether this amounts to confirmation or denial.

Published in: on August 8, 2003 at 09:16  Comments (2)  
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  1. That’s beautiful! I’m linking to it, if you don’t mind.

  2. Simon
    Again…. knowing zunger since I was 12 has its advantages. I’ve had the pleasure of listening and reading these random logical hilarious riffs for 14 almost 15 years. Nothing really suprises me anymore although I find him always entertaining. If I could only train him better now.

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